“…There’s nothing on the TV, nothing on the radio that means that much to me…“
And so said some pretentious British rock band a while ago…of America.
Yes, America…now you can’t blame the people of America for being American. It’s really not their fault and you have to say that given the way history panned out, we’ve been pretty nice to them despite the way they’ve shat on us. I don’t understand the whole Independance Day/Thanksgiving stuff…because i’m not American…but i’m pretty sure some of it has to do with killing a lot of British people, which you have to say is pretty unfair, a bit like a 20 stone boxer fighting a 3 year old girl. I mean, America is huge and has loads of people in it…we’re just this tiny little Island. As the years went on they continued to take the piss out of us, taking sole credit for winning World War 2 single-handedly and all by themselves with no help from anyone…(and breathe)…being one of their most famous boasts…and we let them…probably because we owed them money, or something like that. America is, essentially, a bigger version of Britain, only with a lower average I.Q; again, not their fault, it’s all to do with the TV they make. They’re also quite, well, fat. Their roly-poly physique is hardly surprising given the wealth of oil they’ve enjoyed plundering from their land and burned away without so much as a second thought for the future or the environment. Oil is oil, however…you can run your 7 litre engine car with it, or cook chips (fries) in it…both are going to have an effect on your weight, although i find that funny too given that they all care so deeply about trainers – i’m guessing they’re so proud of the range of footwear available to them that they don’t want to get them dirty ‘walking’ to the greengrocers to buy fruit and veg, instead opting to hop in the car and drive to MacDonalds…another reason why they’re so round. Fair is fair though; we, the British, are told that we should eat 4-6 small meals a day rather than one or 2 large meals as it gives our body time to digest and process the food in small doses and thus reduces the amount we store…I guess in the copy of the memo we sent to America, we missed out the word “small” after “4-6?…and perhaps the bit about not making those meals last an hour each, maybe even the section on meals not taking up more than one plate…and that you’re supposed to do exercise in training shoes, not look pretty in them. Detail is everything…of course, the fact their schools are so poor generally means that maybe our memo contained all the prevalent facts, but they couldn’t actually understand it because there were no pictures to look at as well.
We gave America comedy, though, and they took that baton and ran (ok, so they didn’t run because they can’t run because they’re all so heavy and they’d have a heart attack and die) with it and they’ve been better at it than us for a while. Let’s face it, if the people of England elected Peter Andre as Prime Minister, it still wouldn’t be as funny as George Bush Jnr and we all enjoyed listening to Bill “I didn’t inhale and i definitely did not get a blow job off my fat secretary” Clinton. We even invited him to do a stand-up comedy tour of our Universities, although we were funnier there because we promoted it as a series of “lectures”…
America also has R&B, which is the funniest form of music ever created and a very clever joke as it contains neither rhythm nor blues. They also gave us Kid Rock, which is their special comedy take on what we know as cockney rhyming slang. If they’d only elect a President with the name Mary Dunt, we’d all be rolling in the aisles, saluting their comedy genius. However, when it comes to R&B they don’t even make an attempt to hide their hideously enlarged figures, with superstars of the genre such as “Fat Joe”, “Big Pun”, “Notorious B.I.G”, “Heavy D” and ” M.C Gut Like A Fucking Beached Whale” being the leading lights in their quest to dumb down and sanitise music to the point where we can’t tell one tune from another and so end up repeatedly buying the same songs over and over again…oh, they’ve already managed that, haven’t they…
America also has the KKK, or as we know it over here, Millwall F.C. Millwall, however, don’t advertise the fact they’re racist. Also, bless them, they’re even trying to play football themselves, “Major League Soccer” as they call it. It’s the only sport they play that has a World Cup or World Series that doesn’t involve just American teams, which, again, is comedy genius. That’s right, the world champions of American Football are….American!!! Brilliant. I would mention their dominance of Athletics, but we all know they are only so fast because of all the drugs they take, “accidentally”, when they have a runny nose or a sore elbow.
Now I have some American friends, and friends who now live in America, and they’re ok. Contrary to popular myth, they do “get” irony…consider this statement; there are intelligent Americans who live in America…surely an entirely ironic existence… so It’s unfair to say they don’t get it…and you know, we must feel for them a little, because in the playground bullying stakes, the best put-down they can summon for us is that we have bad teeth…yeah, my teeth might be bad but i’m not so fat that i can’t see my dick when i look down towards my feet…top that, fat boy, and get back to your KFC family bucket…which is, like, a mid-morning snack to you…and then try and squeeze your fat round ass back into your 62″ waist jeans if you can…you walking gravy boat, lardy, wobbly, chubby frying-pan licker.
America is, however, not without it’s problems, despite the rosy picture I’ve painted for you and to highlight some of these problems, please welcome back to my stage, Radio DJ and professional conspiracy theory peddler (which is a compliment) Alex Jones…who is also a bit fat.
Only In America (download)
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