Yep…well…

There will be no more Schweefter Music…the tracks on this post are the final efforts of mr belushi schweeft, culled from 3 separate, unfinished, projects. You may or may not be able to separate the tracks into 3 different categories but frankly it matters not, i just hope you enjoy them.

During the early 2000’s, i was regularly receiving warm and positive encouragement from record labels, all of whom told me to stick at it because i was very much on the right track and it was only a matter of time before i came up with something worthy of professional release. personally, i feel i managed that feat a number of times between 2004 and 2007 and i doubt that many would be able to tell that the tracks on this collection were not, at least in part, produced in a recording studio; they would be wrong if they thought that, as everything i’ve done has been mixed and mastered on my pc with absolutely no assistance from anything or anyone other than my software of choice, cubase vst and cubase 4 studio.
Sadly, the record labels i’ve been peddling my demo’s to have yet to agree with my, admittedly subjective, belief  in the quality of music i’ve produced and after some 8 years trying, i have finally admitted defeat.

Sitting here writing this while i listen to the tracks below, i can understand why i’ve not managed to convince a record label to take me on as my “style” is not really my own, but the amalgamation of every genre of music i love, from straight-up british hip-hop, 80’s synth pop, mash-ups and dj shadow-esque breakbeat work-outs…although i can’t think of many producers who can put these genres together with the relative ease i can…but i suppose that in itself is not enough. I could argue that having no particular style is a style in it’s own right, and while i may be right, it hasn’t got me any nearer to that recording contract.

While mr belushi schweeft may not have been the success i’d hoped for, i can say that it’s been incredibly enjoyable putting together the 7 albums i’ve completed since 1998. Trying to make a commodore amiga 1200 sing (with just 4 channels of mono sound to play with) was as much fun as tinkering with the endless array of effects and plug-ins that cubase 4 allows me to now, all 64 stereo channels worth. i’m sure, from time to time, i’ll upload a mash-up or two to this site should i feel suitably inspired, but beyond playful tinkering with other people’s music, this is the end of the road.

goodbye people….it’s been a blast…

MR BELUSHI (SCHWEEFT)

“…GOODBYE MR. SCHWEEFT…WE’LL MISS YOU…”

Tracklisting

001 – Introduction (she said she’d do anything for £75)

002 – Wildkatze Under The Weather (radio version)

003 – The Crashing Dustbin Lid Style

004 – Mother Nature Does That To Me

005 – Wildkatze Under The Weather (extended version)

006 – Ooh La Laa It’s My Supermassive Love Army

007 – Whoomp! And The Mercy Goes On

008 – The Commodore Amiga Days (Interlude)

009 – Rasputin; A Taste Of Things To Come

010 – The Crashing Dustbin Lid Rap Style

011 – The 1980’s – Deconstructing Howard

012 – The 1980’s – Eating Furtado

Au Revior…

I don’t know why i called this tune “Religious Injustice”…

I made this back in the day when i was trying to replicate DJ Shadow…plundering from David Axelrod (as the Shadowy one did on numerous occasions) among others…i only even made the track because of the quote at the beginning…gotta love those American TV evangelists…especially when they don’t realise that the tape is still rolling…

Religious Justice (download)

Sometimes, it’s good to just relax…

I find that Jazz helps me relax. Jazz magazines help me relax “in a gentleman’s way” (credit due to Roger’s Profanasaurus) and Jazz music helps me unwind while simultaneously stimulating my mind…nice…

Jazz is also the name of an Autobot. I very much enjoyed the recent Transformers movie and I look forward to the sequel.

I also like the fact that when describing something in a situation when brevity is vital, rather than firing off a complete description, that could take hours, you can simply state what you’re describing and follow it with “…and all that Jazz” and people will know exactly what you mean. That’s clever.

I also like the sound of “Acid Jazz”…and even though I don’t condone the use of drugs, I reckon it’s really good.

Jazz can also be a boy’s name and an abbreviation of a girl’s name…but it’s not in the top 100 most popular boys names. Jazz also rhymes with Spaz…which is a naughty word we’re not allowed to say anymore, even though it makes you laugh. If you just laughed, you should pray for foregiveness as you’re a terrible person.

Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. The more you look at the word, the less it makes sense to you. Jazz, Jazz, Jazz. I mean, 2 “z”’s…that’s some crazy shit. Even Crazy, which is crazy, only has 1 “z”. Jazz, Jazzy, Jazzy, Jazz. Jazz.

It’s The Jazz Of the Schweefter

Sometimes, the Schweefter gets lonely…

Sometimes, when the Schweefter gets lonely he pays for an “escort” to “relax” him to “completion” for around “£50″ for an “unhurried” period of time…which is normally about 15 minutes…

Sometimes, after the Schweefter has been sufficiently “relaxed” he feels guilty and a bit perverted and desperate…

Sometimes, after all this has happened…he settles down with a nice hot cup of tea and writes a poem…actually, not really…he creates a mournful piece of music that reflects his mood…

This is one such piece of music…

Song for Whoever

Sometimes, afterwards, he decides things aren’t so bad after all and makes a piece of much that reflects his state of mind while he was having the naughty experience earlier that day…

Dirty Sex (download)

(the views and opinions expressed in “Dirty Sex” do not necessarily reflect the views of Mr Belushi Schweeft and should not be considered as an accurate summary of his personal politics or beliefs, more a self-depricating and ironic take on an experience with a prostitute, an experience that didn’t really happen but if it had then maybe he might have felt that way…after all, £50 is a lot for a handjob when a couple of glasses of wine and some flattery normally achieves the same end result.)

“…There’s nothing on the TV, nothing on the radio that means that much to me…“

And so said some pretentious British rock band a while ago…of America.

Yes, America…now you can’t blame the people of America for being American. It’s really not their fault and you have to say that given the way history panned out, we’ve been pretty nice to them despite the way they’ve shat on us. I don’t understand the whole Independance Day/Thanksgiving stuff…because i’m not American…but i’m pretty sure some of it has to do with killing a lot of British people, which you have to say is pretty unfair, a bit like a 20 stone boxer fighting a 3 year old girl. I mean, America is huge and has loads of people in it…we’re just this tiny little Island. As the years went on they continued to take the piss out of us, taking sole credit for winning World War 2 single-handedly and all by themselves with no help from anyone…(and breathe)…being one of their most famous boasts…and we let them…probably because we owed them money, or something like that. America is, essentially, a bigger version of Britain, only with a lower average I.Q; again, not their fault, it’s all to do with the TV they make. They’re also quite, well, fat. Their roly-poly physique is hardly surprising given the wealth of oil they’ve enjoyed plundering from their land and burned away without so much as a second thought for the future or the environment. Oil is oil, however…you can run your 7 litre engine car with it, or cook chips (fries) in it…both are going to have an effect on your weight, although i find that funny too given that they all care so deeply about trainers – i’m guessing they’re so proud of the range of footwear available to them that they don’t want to get them dirty ‘walking’ to the greengrocers to buy fruit and veg, instead opting to hop in the car and drive to MacDonalds…another reason why they’re so round. Fair is fair though; we, the British, are told that we should eat 4-6 small meals a day rather than one or 2 large meals as it gives our body time to digest and process the food in small doses and thus reduces the amount we store…I guess in the copy of the memo we sent to America, we missed out the word “small” after “4-6?…and perhaps the bit about not making those meals last an hour each, maybe even the section on meals not taking up more than one plate…and that you’re supposed to do exercise in training shoes, not look pretty in them. Detail is everything…of course, the fact their schools are so poor generally means that maybe our memo contained all the prevalent facts, but they couldn’t actually understand it because there were no pictures to look at as well.

We gave America comedy, though, and they took that baton and ran (ok, so they didn’t run because they can’t run because they’re all so heavy and they’d have a heart attack and die) with it and they’ve been better at it than us for a while. Let’s face it, if the people of England elected Peter Andre as Prime Minister, it still wouldn’t be as funny as George Bush Jnr and we all enjoyed listening to Bill “I didn’t inhale and i definitely did not get a blow job off my fat secretary” Clinton. We even invited him to do a stand-up comedy tour of our Universities, although we were funnier there because we promoted it as a series of “lectures”…

America also has R&B, which is the funniest form of music ever created and a very clever joke as it contains neither rhythm nor blues. They also gave us Kid Rock, which is their special comedy take on what we know as cockney rhyming slang. If they’d only elect a President with the name Mary Dunt, we’d all be rolling in the aisles, saluting their comedy genius. However, when it comes to R&B they don’t even make an attempt to hide their hideously enlarged figures, with superstars of the genre such as “Fat Joe”, “Big Pun”, “Notorious B.I.G”, “Heavy D” and ” M.C Gut Like A Fucking Beached Whale” being the leading lights in their quest to dumb down and sanitise music to the point where we can’t tell one tune from another and so end up repeatedly buying the same songs over and over again…oh, they’ve already managed that, haven’t they…

America also has the KKK, or as we know it over here, Millwall F.C. Millwall, however, don’t advertise the fact they’re racist. Also, bless them, they’re even trying to play football themselves, “Major League Soccer” as they call it. It’s the only sport they play that has a World Cup or World Series that doesn’t involve just American teams, which, again, is comedy genius. That’s right, the world champions of American Football are….American!!! Brilliant. I would mention their dominance of Athletics, but we all know they are only so fast because of all the drugs they take, “accidentally”, when they have a runny nose or a sore elbow.

Now I have some American friends, and friends who now live in America, and they’re ok. Contrary to popular myth, they do “get” irony…consider this statement; there are intelligent Americans who live in America…surely an entirely ironic existence… so It’s unfair to say they don’t get it…and you know, we must feel for them a little, because in the playground bullying stakes, the best put-down they can summon for us is that we have bad teeth…yeah, my teeth might be bad but i’m not so fat that i can’t see my dick when i look down towards my feet…top that, fat boy, and get back to your KFC family bucket…which is, like, a mid-morning snack to you…and then try and squeeze your fat round ass back into your 62″ waist jeans if you can…you walking gravy boat, lardy, wobbly, chubby frying-pan licker.

America is, however, not without it’s problems, despite the rosy picture I’ve painted for you and to highlight some of these problems, please welcome back to my stage, Radio DJ and professional conspiracy theory peddler (which is a compliment) Alex Jones…who is also a bit fat.

Only In America (download)

Back in the day…when people still listened to Fatboy Slim tunes…when Britney Spears wasn’t a mentalist…when people thought Drum’n'Bass was an important development in British Music…when Shearer still played for England…before the President of the United States authorised the deployment of two American Airlines jumbo jets to crash into the World Trade Towers in order that he could justify attacking Iraq…before celebrities ate kangaroo cocks “down under” on telly to boost their ailing careers…before people realised Robbie Williams was not the king of pop but a slightly podgy backing dancer with the voice of a karaoke contest also-ran…before Leicester City were relegated from the Premier League…before George Michael started parking cars at red lights and going to sleep whenever he was stoned…before people stopped “getting” the Ricky Gervais thing…before the Conservative party decided to stop electing weaklings and nerds as their party Leader…before celebrities realised that a DVD release of their home-made sex tapes would actually boost their careers…before people started to forgive George Lucas for “The Phantom Menace”…before people began to suspect that the “Matrix” sequels were going to be absolute horseshit…before Oasis became the biggest fucking joke in pop music…before mullets became fashionable again…there was Big Beat.

Big Beat was the bastard child of Hip-Hop and Rave, with a little acid house thrown in. It was all about fast, heavy breakbeats, squelchy noises and speeded up funk…and the vast majority of it was shit. As an ironic joke, I decided to make a big beat tune myself, to prove how easy it was. I had almost finished it when a certain TV advert, featuring the worlds top footie players, appeared, set to a funked-up Elvis Presley tune…”A Little Less Conversation”…a little light bulb lit up above my head and i realised I could kill two birds with one stone…take an old rock’n'roll number, smash it to pieces against a big beat tune and hey presto…pop success!

Ok, so the “pop success” bit didn’t happen for me…

Anyway, here we go…It’s cheesy, it’s shit, it’s Big Beat….enjoy!

It’s La Bamba Schweefter! (Download)

This is the second mash-up I made in the world, ever….

My kid brother introduced me to a lot of things when we both still lived at home…unlike Bill Clinton there’s absolutely no doubt i did inhale…thai weed aside, he introduced me to the work of the Ninja Tune record label and i’ve been a die-hard follower and listener ever since, but he also introduced me to one of the best hip-dop duo’s of the late 90’s and early 00’s, The Beatnuts. For those unfamiliar with their especially delicious funk, start googling now. You’ll be surprised how familiar you are with their music as they’ve been ripped off by R&B “stars” numerous times, most notably J-Lo (Jenny From the Block…yuck) who ripped off their “Watch Out Now” without even an attempt to cover it up…

(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=O2JgUvd4l30)

DJ Shadow is my personal hip-hop hero. The undisputed king of the break beat, his music, particularly “Endtroducing” literally took Hip-Hop to a new level and he has no peers, save for occasional pretender to his throne, RJD2. If i could make a tune half as good as “Building Steam With A Grain Of Salt” I’d die happy…if imitation is indeed the highest form of flattery, then it’s entirely possible this mash-up is the aural equivalent of me licking his arse…although I should point out that while he is a hero of mine, I absolutely do not like him in “that way”…

Do You Believe In Shadows? (download)

It’s not very good…i mean, it’s “okay” as mash-ups go…five years ago…ah to hell with you, I like it and that’s all that matters.

Read the previous post…

Done that? Good boy…or girl…whatever…

So i lied…a little…I did make one track for my concept album…I hope you like the way I juxtapose a fairly nice disco-ish beat and bass with some pretty serious subject matter…and if you don’t, well, you can just lick my arse clean. I’m serious, i haven’t showered for 5 days and it (my arse) could really do with it.

I listen to Alex Jones a lot…if you haven’t had the pleasure, well, i’m going to give him a free plug…

http://www.infowars.com

Now you’re welcome to think whatever you like about the New World Order, Conspiracy Theories, 7/7 or 9/11…I really don’t care…I don’t listen to Alex Jones because I think he has answers, more the questions he poses…and i don’t really buy into the “Zeitgeist” stuff either, although (again) it does raise some interesting questions…

I had just accepted a transfer from my branch in Birmingham to London when the 7/7 bombings happened and I remember thinking i’d made a terrible mistake…I was set to move on 10/7…but you can’t live in fear of such things otherwise the bad guys, whoever they may be (the American Government, if you’re the betting type) will win…

I struggle with the whole “War on Terror” thing, because i’ve heard bullshit from all sides…hate preachers and misguided youths are no better or worse than the governments that support the War on Terror (not to mention everything that led up to it) and as always it’s the innocent who get hurt…whatever you think about 7/7 and the attempts on 21/7, someone, somewhere knows the truth and all we can do is speculate…and I do like to speculate…as does Alex Jones…

The Happy Terror Disco Funk Conspiracy (Download)

Oooh, sounds political…

It’s not…sorry to disappoint…it’s no more political than cotton bud, but there is a backstory, if you’ll indulge me…

I had an idea for a concept album many moons ago…in short i’d cut up sections of speeches made by celebrities, politicians, public figures etc. and, well, mash them up and put them to music…seemed like a great idea so i made a start and googled for inspiration, upon which I found around 250 other people/artists who’d had the same idea, with mp3’s such as “Bushwhacked” all over the internet…(for those not in the know, it’s taken from George Bush’s 2002 State of the Union speech). I was gutted…but I thought that there was chance that nobody had set them to music….wrong…thousands of people had…

Ok, so great minds think alike…

Anyway, I scrapped the idea and went back to the drawing board and came up with precisely…nothing.

So i went out and got pissed with some friends, got a little depressed and when I came home I came up with this…quite possibly the fastest i’ve worked from start to finish, with the whole thing mixed and mastered to my liking in under 4 hours…I hope you don’t think it sounds like it…

Faith & Murder (download)